i_springeternal

AHH! Some beakless eggshell put out a bounty on Choques! Most people have been ignoring it, cause they don't want to mess with the BADASS CHOQUES KWEH, but the Moogs have taken it as open season for us! We can handle the Moogs all right, but we gotta shell up for a bit before we can counterattack. Sorry, Jecht, but my birds of a feather and I gotta hide for awhile. Can't help you out right now.

KWEH!

Yeah, my userpic ain't no lie. I'm totally a Choque, kweh. I dunno if that was the right time to use a "kweh." I'm still getting the hang of this. Or... I'm still getting the wing of this. Damn, they got a new word for, like, everything. They need to write a friggin book or something.

But yeah, I wasn't looking to join up with any gangs or nothin. It just happened. I went to Calamity to meet up with the Jecht man, but I couldn't find his ass. I wandered around Calamity forever and eventually I ended up in the wrong end of town. "The Choque's Stable," actually, if you wanna know the name. I saw all these BAMFs running around, looting and having an assload of fun, so I said, "to hell with Jecht and his ugly face. These badasses are where it's at." I asked to join up and one of the guys tossed me a yellow bandanna. I put it on, and that was it. Hope is a gangsta. Mothafuggin Al Capone, bitches. Although Choques don't really shoot people or anything. We just steal stuff. So we're like.... Robin Hood or something.

Anyway, that's the whole damn story. I finally found Jecht. Bein' a Choque is badass and all, but they don't have like, a plan or anything, and I was getting kinda bored. I brought over a few of my beakbrothers to help Jecht build... whatever the hell he's building. We don't even know. I thought Jecht would have to bribe us to get the Choques on board, but it was even easier than that. We walked up to Jecht and my beakbrother Tyler was all like, "Who the Boko is this featherless old Chocobilly?"

And I was like, "It's Jecht. He's cool."

And that was it. Seriously. Since then all the Choques and me (it's only like, ten of us right now) have just been lootin' shit and putting it in a pile. Jecht's people are sorting through it to see what's useful. And that's the story.

Kweh, Chocobillies. Kweh all day.

Or: How I am a sexy, awesome mofo and you should all love me.

So Chaos and Cosmos were all like, "Yo, I'm gonna whip you all up and down this hood, biatch." and "Nu uh" and "Ya huh" and on and on for like a month. I was hoping for a good fight, but it was turning out pretty lame, like a pro wrestling match where they spend the whole time talking instead of kicking ass. I got so damn bored that I whipped Chaos' ass right in front of his sissy little minions. They were all like, "OMG stop hurting Chaos" and "We'll get you for this," but I didn't stop until Chaos was dead. Then all the sissy minions ran away and Cosmos and her little followers got on their knees and started worshiping me as their god. But then Cloud of Darkness and Ultimecia merged together into this huge-ass monster made of bat wings and tentacles and it killed Cosmos and all the Oracles.

And everyone was all like, "OH NO, all hope is gone!"

And then I stepped up and was like, "bitch, I am Hope," and I fought the monster. Anyway, I don't wanna brag, but I kicked ass. Laguna was there with some rocks or something and some other people were there too. You can ask them if you want the whole story.

Anyway, then the Cloud of Darkness/Ultimecia thing fused with the bodies of Chaos and Cosmos and the second round of the fight began. It was awesome. If you didn't see it, you missed out, dude. It was so awesome, it broke the world. Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm on a bigass tower now. Like the VERY top of it.

And there's no way down. Anyone want to help out the badass dude who saved the world? Here, I found a picture of where I am.



I am HERE:

Yeah right! Like I'm going to be some gay c**ksucking vampire or some damn furry. Everyone knows that the answer to "vampire or werewolf?" is "pirate." Rock, paper, scissors? Pirate wins. What number am I thinking of? Pirate squared. How did anyone know what Citizen Kane's last word was? Pirates. The answer is always pirates.

After all I've gone through to get on Bikke's good side, I sure as hell ain't gonna embarrass myself in front of him by picking either side. If they want me, they have to come and get me!

Yo ho ho, I shoved me hook into my eye and now I can see into the future, yar! I be predictin' that I shall be drinkin' a bottle of rum on a dead man's chest! All dogs have scurvy! Man the torpedoes!

What the hell is NORG doing sendin me to school? School is for stupid people. I don't need to learn nothin. I know all I need to know. Like stompin faces and smackin bitches. If NORG really wanted me to learn something, he should have made school more like van halen's hot for teacher music video. You know, hottie in a bikini dancing on the desks. Then I'd pay attention.

OHHHH YEAAAAH! Loveless is going to kick so much ass with me up front, it'll be insane! We're gonna set a new Blitz record: 20-0 Loveless. Against the Tonberrians! They'll have to start playing two teams at a time against us! They'll have to start bringing the audience down to help try and stop us! I'm gonna be up front and all like BOOM, the shockwave from my massive kick blows out half the water in the pool and tears a hole in the goalie, shoots out the back and goes around the world and in the net AGAIN. Bam, bitch! Two goals in one kick! Bring diapers cause you will SHIT YOURSELF!

But until the next league or tournament comes along, I got nothing to do. Me and Odin found an old video game system and a TV, and we've been playing this sweet rapping game with a dope-ass 2-D dog. Damn, it's like, so awesome.

Hey, Odin! KICK PUNCH POSE!

Duuuuude, the place Light set us up with is sweeeet! I'm finally in DA SLUMS! I'm a slumlord! I'm from da hood! My stock prices in "badass" and "hardcore" just went through the roof.

It's like, friggin anarchy out here. You can do anything and no one cares. First thing I did is i got some spraycans and I made some sweet racing decals on the side of our house tube thing. Then I broke some windows. Yeah, they were already sorta broken, but I totally ruined that shit. Right now, I'm collecting random junk and trying to make a trebuchet. Why? Because I friggin can!

Light's been on my back about getting a job so we can move somewhere better, but I like it here! This is my home! This is where I belong! Among my people! And like I said, I ain't working anywhere unless it's a job where I can kick ass all day. The Arena looked pretty good, but Light says it's a "G.O.B. club" and that I shouldn't even bother applying. Hell if I know what that means, but I'm gonna talk to this sweet octopus I met who works there and see if he can get me in. Dunno if it'll work, because the old man who owns the place seems like a dick. But we'll see how G.O.B his club is after I blacken a couple of his eyes with my boomerang.

Oh yeah, this is the life.

Oh man, I'm SO AWESOME. I used to be all shy and all "oooh, don't hurt me," and "ooh, don't kill my mother," but now I'm a lone wolf! A rogue agent! Me and Light, we're total badasses. Like Bonnie and Clyde or ummm..... Laurel and Hardy. They were gangsters, right?

I guess I'm too badass for Cocoon, cause Light brought me around to different places to get a job, but they all must have been too scared to call me back. At this one interview, I was all like, "Does your position in data entry require the services of a MASTER BOOMERANG ARTIST???" and I busted out my boomerang and broke like, three vases and knocked out his secretary. He was all like, "....We'll call you," but I knew he was like, two second away from totally pissing himself everywhere. I'm such a badass. And he still hasn't called either. Must be afraid that I'll reach through the damn phone and kick his ass long distance style! Do you accept the charges? Do you accept my fist in your face???? Didn't think so!

Light knew the only place for me was Mallboro. Turns out this place is loaded with criminals. It's like, criminal rehab or something, for people too dangerous for regular society. Like me!

I'm getting more badass by the day. Just like, last week, I finally told off my wussy old man. I was all like, "Damn it, old man, I can microwave my own hot dogs tonight!" and I slapped him. Okay, I didn't slap him, but I held up my hand like I was going to slap him and he flinched so yeah. Same thing.

I hope I get a job kicking ass. It's the only thing I'm good at anymore.